


If you give you begin to live

by InsomniacCoffee



Series: Pile of Ashes [6]
Category: Metalocalypse (Cartoon)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Implied/Referenced Suicide attempt, M/M, Post-Episode: s04 The Doomstar Requiem
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-08
Updated: 2020-12-08
Packaged: 2021-03-09 19:00:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,252
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27951173
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/InsomniacCoffee/pseuds/InsomniacCoffee
Summary: Tumblr Prompt:"I’m trying, can’t you see? Isn’t that enough for you?”Magnus is coming to terms with his role in the prophecy after trying to take his own life again.
Relationships: Magnus Hammersmith/Toki Wartooth
Series: Pile of Ashes [6]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1972474
Comments: 3
Kudos: 7





	If you give you begin to live

**Author's Note:**

> I decided to post any hammertooth fics I didn't get around to and there was only one so this one :D
> 
> Requested by [HeyMurphy!](https://archiveofourown.org/users/HeyMurphy)
> 
> Lyric is taken from the song [You Might Die Trying](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uh5uprKNVVk) by Dave Matthews Band, honestly I think very fitting for hammertooth! Also lowkey reminds me of this [fic](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24978121) so check it out as well <3
> 
>  **Date Posted:** 09/18/20  
> [Original Post](https://insomniac-pens.tumblr.com/post/629638012979036160/if-you-ever-feel-like-it-16-is-screaming)

“Magnus-” Charles began.

“No.” Magnus interrupted.

“At least lets hims talks!” Toki said.

“It’s just a shirt.” Charles continued his sentence. He watched as Magnus’ expression still remained as bitter and resentful as always. Things really hadn’t changed much for him, have they?

“I said no,” Magnus said simply. He tried to stand up but Toki had his hand on his shoulder and managed to keep him sitting. The guy had too much damn strength.

“Wearing a shirt isn’t the end of the world and it’s gonna be the easiest thing I’ll ask of you to do. And besides, I’m getting complaints. You’re scaring the children enough.”

“So an adult can’t just wear a jacket but we’re not gonna question how we got these spawns crawling from who knows where?”

“Magnus, I’m not here to discuss with you over that. The doctor said you need to wear something over your bandages. The sooner you listen, I’m sure it’ll be faster for you to heal. And that jacket isn’t enough.”

There were a few moments of silence before Magnus muttered a curse word and took the shirt that Toki held. It was hard just taking his jacket off without feeling the still-raw pain from the wounds resurfacing ten-fold, causing him to wince.

Toki had to help him take his jacket off, wondering how he was even able to put it on in the first place and get him in the shirt. It was thankfully a buttoned-down shirt as he doubted Magnus would even be able to put on a shirt and they needed easier access to reach the wounds in case anything happened. He was human and his wounds would heal slower, even more so with the latest stunt he tried to pull off; it was something Toki had to keep in mind.

“Are you happy?” Magnus asked and Charles only shrugged.

“This is all I’ll bother you about tonight. I’ll see you again in the morning.”

He watched Charles leave the room and felt Toki gently take his arm to drag him to lie down next to him. He was very careful with his wounds, making sure to not put a hand over it as he pulled himself closer to his body, “You do looks goods with a shirt.“

Magnus stifled a laugh, “You sure you’re not the one who told him to make me put this on?”

"No, but I probablies shoulds.” He laughed. It wasn’t like the loud and carefree ones he used to give out whenever he laughed; it was more of the softer and tired ones that just really showed how tired he was. Who knows when was the last time he actually had a good night’s sleep.

Magnus did want to say something. He wanted to say more words about what he truly felt but he wasn’t one for talking. No, his words were better expressed in songs that he never published and music notes that never found lyrics. And perhaps some part of him still believed he wouldn’t really be listened to so what point was in talking?

Toki understood or was simply tired himself because he didn’t speak anything else either. He closed his eyes, snuggling closer to him. The warmth from Magnus and the fact he even allowed him to be this near him already spoke enough words to him. He found comfort in the silence and even managed to ignore the sounds from the machine as he drifted off to sleep.

Magnus, however, didn’t sleep as quickly. He stared up at the ceiling as Toki slept, a silent indication of the trust he once again on him. He trusted way too easily and it almost hurt. He had to wonder how much harder the path to making things right was. It surely wouldn’t be easy and there was a looming sense that it wouldn’t be. It felt like he was only riding out the calm before the storm and it was going to be a messy and awful storm to trudge through.

He closed his eyes and tried to ignore the sounds. The only way he could was by focusing on the body heat from Toki. The presence of someone sleeping next to him was enough for him to drift off to sleep eventually with the half-tired thought that maybe things wouldn’t be as tough as he thought.

* * *

True enough to Charles’ word, putting on a shirt was the easiest thing he would ask him to do.

Even though Magnus could barely walk without crutches or support, he was told his role still had to be fulfilled. Stabbing himself twice wasn’t enough or part of his role at all, apparently. And he can’t just make up his own role; it was already set in stone. Quite literally. He could see the paintings on the stone walls and saw his role just as plainly told like the rest of the guys. He only took one look at it before announcing he had seen enough and stumbled out of that room. If he had stayed any longer, he was sure he would’ve destroyed the paintings of him on the wall.

The kidnapper. His role. That should’ve been it. Someone that shouldn’t be redeemed. No matter how many times he tried to convince everyone around him that he had fulfilled his role and to sink him to the bottom of the ocean or something, they didn’t agree.

That was not his role. That was not who he was. He just simply took the wrong path because he had no real guidance. Now that he had it, he could still fulfill what his life’s purpose was.

In other words, he was never meant to be the villain. And yet…he became one regardless.

That was a realization that hurt him more than being impaled and it only added more weight when he realized he had hurt possibly the only person who had cared for him in years. He didn’t understand why he was given a second chance. He was sure that if he had no role, he would’ve been left to die back there but now his life was guided by something he wasn’t sure he really believed in.

Perhaps that was why, in his own logic, trying to take his own life was the only way to solve the problem. No more Magnus, no more chances of Magnus hurting anyone, happy ending for everyone. His role was finished as he had failed to do it. Maybe it was better to give it off to someone else or hope his next incarnation would be a decent enough person. Surely, they could wait a decade or two.

It was what he thought until he was once again revived by the members and woke up to the feeling of Toki holding onto his hand, burying his head in his shoulder, and saying things he couldn’t understand because he was either speaking in another language or Magnus was just trying to gain back his consciousness. He felt nothing but guilt that day as he tried to speak but the oxygen mask and feeling like he had swallowed sand prevented him. The only thing he was able to do was squeeze Toki’s hand as he heard him cry.

He had realized two things that day.

_One_ : He couldn’t die. Well, technically he could. But he wouldn’t be able to go far without being revived. As long as they needed him, they would keep him alive.

_Two_ : It would hurt Toki. For whatever reason. Regardless of what he had done, Toki was ready to forgive him. And Magnus was possibly the worst person in the world to give forgiveness to. He didn’t deserve it. Not when he woke up from his injuries the first time and certainly not the second time.

But for some reason, Toki gave it anyway. He gave him forgiveness and more.

Magnus wasn’t sure how to feel about it. And aside from having to be with the church members and Toki, he had lots of time to think on his own. Think about his mistakes, regrets, and whatever swarming/conflicting feelings he had about his past, his future, and Toki. It was better to just cut him off while he still wasn’t hurting him. It was the only way to ensure that he wouldn’t be hurt again.

“Toki, you shouldn’t hang around me.” He said it after what must’ve been two weeks after his last incident.

Toki almost paused when he said those words but he still helped him anyway, “I wants to, Magnus. Did somebodies tells you somethings?”

“No, it’s me saying this. Shouldn’t you be afraid of me or something? Or at least hate me?”

“Do you wants me tos?”

“Yes.” Magnus answered.

“You reallies means it?” He asked again.

He paused, “No.”

“We’ve talked abouts this befores, Magnus. I still wants to be your friends.”

“But why?”

“I believes in you. I thinks you’ll be a betters persons.”

“I’m not even sure if I’m gonna be doing this right. I think it’s too late for me to change.”

“I thinks you cans but you needs to works for it. It’s goings to be hards but you cans change. Just tries. Please?” He pleaded.

“Okay, buddy. I’ll try.” Magnus answered.

Toki smiled and looked at Magnus, “Goods. You should gets some rests now.”

“Shouldn’t you be doing whatever God stuff you need to be doing?” Magnus asked.

Toki frowned slightly at that comment. He looked away for a few moments before shaking his head, “No. Not rights nows. Laters. Right nows, I want to spend times with you.”

And Magnus, as medicated and vulnerable as he was, didn’t protest. At the time, he just figured Toki was doing whatever he had to do while he was doing his own thing. He watched as he went to a drawer and pulled out two Nintendo 3Des and handed one to him, “Animal Crossings or Mario Kart?”

He didn’t need to think twice, “Animal Crossing, of course.”

They spent the rest of that night playing the game and ignoring whatever tension Magnus had created in the air. Maybe they should’ve discussed more. It had left some questions one wanted to ask the other but the only words exchanged were to stop cutting the other town’s trees or to pick whatever flowers they had. It was better to just not ask questions sometimes.

* * *

To be fair; Magnus really did try.

He had to work alongside Charles and basically be his shadow. Learn as much of the prayers, chants, hymns, whatever as Charles once did. It was a lot to take in one go. At least he wasn’t expected to learn everything quickly at least. He had time but even that was getting limited. Time was a scarier concept when you’re supposed to help prevent the end of the world.

Magnus was a bit suspicious of Toki and what he was doing while he had to be away. He had a feeling he wasn’t doing what he was supposed to do. Anytime he asked, he would change the subject and never receive a clear answer from him.

When Charles asked, “Do you know if Toki is doing what he’s supposed to be doing? It seems like he’s not really helping out as of recently.” It only confirmed it. And that meant having to do something.

Toki visited him again that night. By then, he no longer had to wear bandages or needed much help to get around but he still visited him regardless. He supposed it was merely because he wanted to hang out with him. 

They were watching some animated film of Toki’s choosing when Magnus asked, “So how’s the prophecy thing going?”

Toki ate a handful of popcorn and didn’t say anything. He must’ve hoped that the question would be forgotten but Magnus asked again and he was forced to respond, “It’s fines.”

“Really? Well, what did you guys do?”

“We just did things. Anyways, let’s finishes this movie.”

“Toki, you can’t change the subject-”

“Ams going to get more popcorns!” Toki said and grabbed the bowl of half-full popcorn.

Magnus grabbed his arm, “You’ve been avoiding it, haven’t you?”

“I’m nots! I swears!”

“Then why can’t you tell me what you did?"

“It’s a secret!”

“But I’m part of the prophecy too. Wouldn’t it be…beneficial to tell me what’s going on?”

Toki couldn’t argue to that at all, “Well actuallys, we have a meetings today. In facts, I need to leaves right now. Sees you tomorrow!” 

Toki did not, in fact, see him the next day. Or the day after that.

Magnus felt like he fucked up in some way or another. Maybe he should’ve beat around the bush with the subject. Or better yet; just not ask at all. It felt like he lost someone who cared about him and this time, he was genuinely trying to help. Maybe it was better for him to just not talk to Toki in the end. As much as it added to his loneliness, he was probably better off without him. It was better to not end up being so attached to a person anyway.

He continued trying to learn his role as the days went by. But without a person to turn to and with everything feeling much more difficult, he finally threw in the towel and said to Charles after his hundredth failed attempt at reciting a chant, “I can’t do this. I quit.”

“You can’t exactly quit a prophecy.”

“You know what I mean. I’m done. I don’t want to do this anymore.”

Charles didn’t seem to argue with him. He simply looked at him for a few moments before pulling out his phone to text someone, “Alright. I can get a submarine to pick you up in the morning.”

Magnus was honestly ready to scream his head off and just to hear Charles say he could live was rather…suspicious, “Wait really? That easily? Not gonna talk me out of this again?”

He shook his head, “Well if I can’t convince you, I just simply can’t. Thank you for sticking around long enough though.”

As suspicious as it was, Magnus didn’t exactly want to argue over why Charles wasn’t arguing with him over not leaving. It was better to just take the chance, no questions asked.

He had packed that night of whatever little he had. Clothing, a journal, a small photo album, and his old Les Paul. He never had much and at least the luggage was light. Toki never came that night and Magnus had pondered whether or not to bring the 3DS he had given him but decided not to. It was better not to take something that would later have him regret his decision.

In the morning, he woke up alone like the past few days. Once again, there was the feeling of loneliness that hit him heavily. Toki should be here with him. And he realized then how much he would end up missing him. But leaving was a good decision. Or that’s what he told himself as he grabbed his things to head to the exit.

Word must’ve gotten quick of Magnus’ plan because Toki was there first, leaning against the submarine. Or well, Charles must’ve told him; that sly fucker. He should’ve known that leaving came with strings attached. And he certainly knew the right strings.

“Magnus, you can’t go!” Toki said as he approached him, “You can’t justs…leaves like it’s easys to do!

“Listen, I’m tired and I don’t want to do this anymore. I’ve done everything I can and it doesn’t matter what I do.”

“You can still try-”

“I’ve been trying, can’t you see? Isn’t that enough for you?“ The words tumbled out before he could put a stop to it. The silence afterward lingered, either because Toki wanted him to continue or didn’t expect him to say that. It didn’t matter as he found himself wanting to continue, "I put on a shirt, I do a little song and dance for this damn cult and I’m still being asked to do more! I appreciate it that you believe I’m gonna change…but I can’t, buddy. It’s too late for me.”

“And whats about me?” Toki shouted back, “ Do you thinks you’re the onlys ones tryings here? I haves to deals with some…stupids prophecies bullshit and I don’t want that! I don’t wants to be a God; I don’t wants you a parts of this. I just wants…”

"You want what?!”

“To be happies. With you.” Toki said and it felt like. There was nothing for him to really do but cry and that’s what he did.

Magnus was frozen for a moment before he went over to him. He wrapped his arms around him, at first gently but eventually tightly, and ignored the pain that was shooting across his body, “Hey, hey, look, I’m sorry. I didn’t realize that this kinda stuff would be hard on you too.”

“I didn’t thinks it woulds be hards for you toos.” He said after trying to control his sobs, “I’m so sorries, Magnus.”

“Let me apologize. I’m sorry for hurting you, Toki. I really am. I’m sorry for hurting you in the past and I’m sorry I’ve hurt you now. I should’ve been a better person to you.”

“Stills…this is hards for us…everyone else had times to prepares but we’re so behinds. I don’t wants to do this.”

“Neither do I. But we’re apart of something greater and the sooner we get this done, the sooner we can move on. What’s something you wanna do when this is all finally over?”

“Uh, get a bunnies probablies.”

“Well, I guess you need to keep that bunny in mind if you think about quitting.”

“Yeahs…What abouts you?”

Magnus had to think about that. He never really had much for him, future wise. Honestly, seeing Toki being himself was enough but he felt that was way too much pressure to put on him so he said, “I think get back into music. I kept on wanting to get back into it but I just never got around to it.”

“I wants to helps with your musics when it’s overs. But I bets you gots some reallies cools songs already finisheds. I wanna hears those.”

“I’ll play a song or two for you one of these days. But only if you go and do whatever you’re supposed to do today.”

“Then will you tries to finishes your roles?”

Magnus let out a shaky sigh, regretting it immediately because of how much his lungs hurt, “I’ll give it a shot, okay? But only if you do too.”

“That sounds goods to mes. I promises.”

“Then we have a deal.” Magnus stated.

Toki smiled softly as he hugged him. He may have been a little too brave but he gave him a quick kiss before grabbing his luggage, “We shoulds get to works then but we can unpacks your things first.”

Magnus was left with his face flushed but he didn’t argue to that at all. He adjusted the straps of his guitar case and followed after him. Toki’s newfound confidence was probably something to get used to but in the end, it was nice to see some part of him back. And it was nice he wouldn’t be alone in this at least; as long as they stuck together, they could get through this. They got this.

**Author's Note:**

> Feel free to scream at me at my[Tumblr](https://insomniac-pens.tumblr.com)<3


End file.
